I am so absolutely delighted to report that I have had the most amazing week with Max! And it had nothing to do with his behavior. Nope, it was all me, thank you. I’m not kidding. I think I reached a new realization which helped this along, and I’m amazed at the impact it’s having. You see, I realized that there is nothing we can do to change Max. And we don’t want to. He’s an emotional kid. Yes, we all got that. And he’ll grow up and grow out of it, and I hope, never lose touch with his emotions, but learn to temper them. But in the meantime, I think it’s my job, our job, to just stand by his side. Yes he’s going to cry when something happens to him. Because that’s what Max does. And because I can’t change that, I’m going to live with it. And that’s what I’ve done this week. On Wednesday in the car, when he cried because his brother got a toy at school, I merely nodded my head and said I understood how that must feel. And then we talked about how lucky we are that we do get so much stuff. And yesterday when he started to cry on the way home because he was thirsty, I told him that I was thirsty too, and asked if he could drink anything right this minute, what would it be? And we made up some crazy drinks, let me tell you.
I feel softer in my heart. It’s so weird. But I even feel like I am looking at him differently. Is that crazy? I’m looking at him like he’s the sweetest, most adorably, quirky, funny kid ever to walk the earth. And I don’t think I felt that way last week. And I do believe that he can sense this, and see it, and is responding differently too.
What kills me, feeling so positive about Max, is the times I’ve been so negative. That I’ve yelled at him, and the time I squeezed his leg really hard, mainly because I just wanted to smack him. These horrible, frustrated, out of control feelings, that I regret with every inch of my being.
Am I living on some parallel universe and will things all swing back to normal next week? Maybe. But how I feel about my son today, and the reaction I feel when he overreacts, feels really really different, and I hope it stays like this for ever and ever, amen.